per my first post, i think any reader can tell that i get lonely pretty easily. this summer i’m somewhat living on my own for the first time. away from my close friends and my immediate family. sitting in a barely decorated room at night that has shitty lighting, it’s easy to feel the loneliness creep up. often, i find myself wondering if im cared for, if im loved, if the ones i call my friends call me the same. at these times, i feel isolated and empty, swirling in a void that never ends, wondering if i’ll ever escape.
but then i get a random text. an “i miss you,” an Instagram reel, a like on my story, a “hello vro,” a specialized video from my niece, a weekly “i love you” text from my granny, or a visit from across the state. i’m reminded again of the boundless love i receive from my loved ones and the boundless love i have for them. i always feel a bit ungrateful to get in those spaces, questioning the love i get from others. it’s so easy to forget you’re loved, but then in these tiny moments, you realize it’s so easy to be loved even if it’s a bit harder to let yourself feel loved.
i’ve always been quite the distant person. unaffectionate, monotone, and awkward. it’s hard for me to openly express the care i have for others and truly be vulnerable. yet in the little interstitial moments of my daily dread, i remember that i’m a person filled to the top with love to receive and give in different forms. as i’ve grown into the young adult i am now, i’ve grown more appreciative of those around me. the moments, whether fleeting or more long-winded, i enjoy and cherish.
this is a short post without much substance, but after seeing a friend i haven’t seen in a month, i feel anew. i’m reminded of the joys of life, the ways in which love extends itself in different forms (tonight in the form of catching up over a good In-N-Out meal). you’d think after the many times i’m shocked with the love i receive, i would never fall into that void again. but it’s easier to feel alone than not. maybe human nature is coded to feel bad before realizing the good like the idea of humans being naturally born evil and learning to be good. but maybe that’s too philosophical for a sickly wednesday night like this.